Kids, I'm gonna tell you an incredible story,
the story of how I met your mother.
Are we being punished for something?
No.
Yeah, is this gonna take a while?
Yes.
25 years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other life.
It was way back in 2005.
I was 27, just starting to make it as an architect
and living in New York with Marshall, my best friend from college.
My life was good.
And then Uncle Marshall went and screwed the whole thing up.
You're getting engaged tonight.
Yeah. What are you doing tonight?
What was I doing?
Here Uncle Marshall was taking the biggest step of his life.
And me? I'm calling up your Uncle Barney.
Hey, so you know how I've always had a thing for half-Asian girls?
Well, now I've got a new favorite... Lebanese girls.
Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.
As your best friend, I suggest we play a little game I like to call
- Have you met Ted? - No, no, no. We're not playing Have you met Ted?
Hi, have you met Ted ?
Hi, I'm Ted.
Yasmine. That's a very pretty name.
Thanks. It's Lebanese.
There are two big questions a man has to ask in life.
One, you plan out for months.
The other just slips out when you're half drunk at some bar.
Will you marry me?
You wanna go out sometime ?
Of course, you idiot!
I'm sorry, Carl's my boyfriend.
What's up, Carl ?
I wanna drink a toast with my fiancée.
I don't know why I was so scared of this.
It's pretty easy, right?
Marshall has found the love of his life.
Even if I was ready, which I'm not...
but if I was, it's, like, Okay, I'm ready. Where is she?
And there she was.
It was like something from an old movie,
where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor,
turns to his buddy and says, See that girl?
I'm gonna marry her someday.
Barney, see that girl?
Oh, yeah. You just know she likes it dirty.
Hi, have you met Ted ?
- Take us to the hospital. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you hit her?
Hit me? Please!
This guy can barely even spank me in bed for fun.
He's all like, Oh, honey. Did that hurt?
And, I'm like, Come on! Let me have it, you pansy!
Wow, a complete stranger.
Your friends don't seem to happy.
See, the one in the middle just got dumped by her boyfriend. So, tonight, every guy is "the enemy."
You know if it'll make your friend feel better, you could throw a drink in my face. I don't mind.
She would love that!
Hey, you wanna have dinner with me Saturday night ?
Yeah. What the hell?
Jerk!
That was fun.
De... wait for it... nied!
Denied!
We're goin' out tomorrow night.
I thought we were playin' laser tag tomorrow night.
Yeah, I was never gonna go play laser tag.
The next night, I took her out to this little bistro in Brooklyn.
How have I always described my perfect woman?
She likes dogs?
I've got five dogs.
She drinks scotch?
I love a scotch that's old enough to order its own scotch.
And I'm saving the best for last.
Do you want these? I hate olives.
The olive theory.
The olive theory is based on my friends Marshall and Lilly.
He hates olives, she loves them.
In a weird way, that's what makes them such a great couple.
You know, I've had a jar of olives just sitting in my fridge forever.
I could take 'em off your hands.
They're all yours.
Did you kiss her?
No. The moment wasn't right.
Look, this woman could actually be my future wife.
I want our first kiss to be amazing.
Aw, Ted, that is so sweet.
So you chickened out like a little bitch.
She didn't even give me the signal.
What, is she gonna, she gonna bat her eyes ayou in Morse code?
Ted... kiss me. No! You just kiss her!
Not if you don't get the signal!
Did Marshall give me the signal?
No! I didn't. I swear.
There she is.
Ooh ! She's cute.
I'm gonna go kiss her. Right now.
Wish me luck.
Ted's gonna get it on with a TV reporter. This just in. Okay.
I was just hoping to...
get those olives... that you said I could have.
Would you like those olives with some gin and vermouth?
Are you trying to get me drunk?
For starters.
Ranjit, you must have done it with a Lebanese girl?
Okay, I'm gonna see if that bodega has a bathroom.
Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.
The women hot there?
Here's a picture of my wife.
A simple "no" would have sufficed.
I think I like your olive theory.
I think I like your nose.
I think I'm in love with you.
What?!
You love me?
I should just go.
Hold on.
Promised you these.
Olives. Thanks. I love you.
What is wrong with me?
Good night, Ted.
That's a pretty great handshake.
That was the signal.
That long, lingering handshake? You should have kissed her!
There's no such thing as the signal.
But, yeah, that was the signal.
Signal.
That was not the signal.
I asked her about it years later.
And, yeah, that was the signal.
I could have kissed her.
But that's the funny thing about destiny.
It happens whether you plan it or not.
I mean, I never thought I'd see that girl again,
but it turns out I was just too close to the puzzle to see the picture that was forming.
Like I said, it's a long story.